So you had a bad day…

Yesterday was the kind of morning where you listen to “Bad Day” on repeat. And it wasn’t even 10 am yet.

Today is sooo much better. Hence why I’m blogging. But no one wants to hear about the good day, so back to the bad.

dtycj

Yesterday I woke up. So that was totally great. After that, not so great. Here’s the cliffnotes version:

  • Woke up bloated and emotional. Pants. So. Tight.
  • Argued with my husband over something that wasn’t his fault. Still sorry, sweetie. (And I couldn’t even cry because my makeup would run. Prissy girl problems.)
  • Kid drama in the car on the way to school.
  • Z-boy forgot his lunch box and got out of the car sobbing at the school drop off. Dude, you have money in your account to buy lunch. Not a big deal! You WILL be fed!
  • Got a text from Z-boy’s teacher that apparently the sobbing didn’t stop when he went in the classroom doors. Silver lining is that Z-boy’s teacher is a saint and handles him beautifully. Teachers do not get paid enough!
  • Pediatrician’s office called. They can’t refill my son’s medicine because he’s never been on it. False. He’s been on it for at least a year. Another silver lining, the nurse was very nice and we cleared up the confusion pretty quickly.
  • CONSTIPATED. Seriously, this sucks. I have struggled with this so much since I’ve lost weight. Maybe I need more fat in my diet to help grease my colon so things will slide out. LOL! I mean, it gets to the point that you’re on the toilet so long that you’re waiting for the toilet to pull a Netflix and be all like, “Are you still pooping? Click here to contine.”
  • And the grand finale to my morning was the arrival of Aunt Flo. There HAS to be a better way to celebrate not adding a 5th child to the family. :/

    So how is your day going?

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One Dorky Husband! Ah ah ah!

A year ago, we bought this book for K-girl.

Have the fainting couch ready, ladies, because ISN’T THIS ADORABLE?! It is basically a counting book set to the world of Austen.

So, while I was cooking supper tonight (and K-girl kept trying to dance between me and the stove), TheBaldEagle was nice enough to distract K-girl with this book.

And I have to say I was much impressed. After all, it’s not exactly a manly book, and to see my big guy cuddle up so sweetly with our little one to read some Austen touched my heart. ❤

Until I heard this:

“One English village! Ah ah ah! Two rich gentlemen! Ah ah ah!”

For those of you who don’t understand what’s going on, let me bring back a piece of your childhood.

Oh yes, my husband was reading Austen to our child like the Count from Sesame Street.

But the kicker is when I heard this:

“Four marriage proposals! Ah ah ah! That Lizzie sure gets around!”

Note to self: Never let the hubs read Austen again.

Paint

Once upon a time there was a kind woman who had just bought a beautiful house.

When the woman moved into the house, she brought all her furniture, including a beautiful blue cabinet. Only, the walls were blue, too, and the cabinet no longer stood out. So, the woman decided to paint the cabinet a lovely yellow.

Enter VILLAIN (aka Z-boy)

Z-boy: “What are you doing?”
Kind Woman: “I’m painting the cabinet yellow.”
Z-boy: *weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth* “NOOOO! BUT BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!”
Kind Woman: “But the walls are blue! It’s fine! Now the cabinet will pop and make the blue walls look really nice!”
Z-boy: “It doesn’t go in here! It doesn’t look good!”
Me: “It’s fine!”
Z-boy: “Are you going to paint the walls yellow?!”
Kind Woman: *rolls eyes* “There’s only a quarter of a gallon here–not nearly enough to paint the walls. I could only paint one corner.”
Z-boy: “What all are you painting yellow?!”
Kind Woman: *channeling the patience of Job* “See everything on the cabinet that is blue? Well, it’s now going to be yellow.”
Z-boy: *sees a Frozen DVD sitting in the cabinet* “Are you painting Frozen yellow?!”
Kind Woman: “Is that part of the cabinet?”
Z-boy: “No…”
Kind Woman: “Then no.”
Z-boy: “It doesn’t look good. I don’t like it. You’re changing everything!”
Kind Woman: “Well, when you get to be an adult, you can paint everything in your house blue, and I will help you.”
Z-boy: *calming down* “Okay.”

Enter ANTAGONIST (aka TheWiseOne)

TheWiseOne: “Hey, Z-boy. She’s painting your room next.”
Z-boy: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

It’s a Fine Life

Warning: Newsies is an awesome musical, but if you haven’t seen it, you may not understand this post. So, do yourself a favor and watch Newsies!

TheBaldEagle was telling the boys what to do in the 4th of July parade…

TheBaldEagle: “I’ll be carrying the banner–”
Me: *belts* “IT’S A FINE LIFE! CARRYIN’ THE BANNER THROUGH IT ALL!”
TheBaldEagle: “My life is not a musical, but if you keep this up, it’s going to be a murder mystery.”
Me: :/

I’ll just leave this here:

Blech

Z-boy: “Mommy, can you give me medicine? I don’t feel good.”
Me: “What’s wrong?”
Z-boy: (Suddenly looks strange and stops talking)
Me: (slow motion running and yelling) “Noooooo! There’s a bucket! If you have to puke, use the bucket! The bucket!!!”
Z-boy: (Blech. Blech all over the floor. Blech all over his blanket. Here a blech, there a blech, everywhere a blech blech.)

😦

Dumpster Diving

Things that could only happen to me…

K-girl: (Toddles through the house sipping on a Danimal’s smoothie)

Me: “I didn’t give K-girl a smoothie…” :/

K-girl: (still sipping happily)

Me: “TheWiseOne, did you give K-girl a smoothie?”

TheWiseOne: “We’re out.”

Me: “Ruh roh.”

Don’t you love it when the kids refuse to eat your perfectly delicious food in favor of day old smoothie cups???

Tales from the Crypt

Or more like Tales from the Dealership.

I was waiting at the car dealership the other day to get my van aligned. I had downed two cups of coffee before the trip (because I am infinitely wise and thought this was a great idea). Apparently, the words “two hour wait” are a magical trigger for my kidneys to go into overdrive because I went from fine to bulging bladder in 2.5 seconds.

But no big deal. The dealership is a magical place. They have free hot chocolate, popcorn, cell charging stations, manicures…

I kid you not. Free manicures. Maybe I’m a country bumpkin, but I ain’t seen the likes of that before.

Obviously, a place that has free manicures while you wait for your vehicle to be repaired has public restrooms as well.

I popped my phone out and surfed while I casually glanced around for the public restroom signs.

We’ve all been there.

I slowly realized there are no restrooms. But how can this be?! There are free manicures! They can’t possibly not have a restroom!

At this point, normal people would ask a staff member to direct them to the elusive restrooms. But I am not normal. I am a terminal introvert. Talking to people I’ve never met before is my kryptonite. It’s ridiculous, I know. While I’ve learned to act like an extrovert as I’ve gotten older, occasionally my introverted ways rise to the top and proclaim dominance.

So, I texted my husband in a panic, and God bless that man, he knew exactly where the restrooms were! I hurried to the restroom while using my best, casually-squeezing-my-legs-together-so-my-bladder-doesn’t-burst walk.

I may or may not have had practice.

No one is happier to find a restroom than a woman who’s had 4 kids and downed two cups of coffee. I went into that restroom like Elsa and just “let it go”. It was glorious!

I don’t know who thought of this… but I like it.

After completing my walk of triumph, I took my seat in the waiting room.

“You’re a lifesaver!” I texted my husband.

He replied, “Or at least an underwear saver.”

Days Off… and all the glory that comes with it.

Days off are the worst.

You have to be home with your kids, play outside, enjoy the sunshine… Okay, what am I talking about?! Days off are the BEST!

Unless…

…your kid poops their pants.

…you’ve lost a library book and it won’t renew.

…your 1-year-old wants to help “fold” the laundry by throwing it as far from you as possible.

…your 3-year-old wants to play outside, but somehow he only has 1 shoe–1 shoe!–to his name because Peter Pan came by to take the mates off to Neverland.

…it’s St. Patrick’s day and you’re scurrying to find something green for the children to wear before they pinch each other to death and CPS is called.

…your 3-year-old asks you what 7 take away 1 is and you say 6 and they get angry and yell at you because it’s obviously 8.

…you’re happily sipping coffee on the porch swing while the children frolic and you accidentally nail your 1-year-old who toddled off behind the porch swing without you knowing and you hear the sickening thud followed by that moment of silence in which you prepare for the inevitable, blood curdling screams, and yep, she exceeds your expectations.

And this is all before noon. I love my day off! 😉

How to Make Money from Home–Do as I say, not as I do!

I just tried signing up for usertesting.com.

No, this is not an ad for them because I just bombed the test.

Usertesting.com is a website where you try out webpages… for money! Like, $10 for 20 minutes. Sounds pretty sweet, right?

Well, since we’re in the process of buying a house (and I just got a good look at my new mortgage–eegads!), I thought I’d give it a try. Basically, I desperately scoured the internet for ways to make extra cash and this was the best I could come up with.

So, I got all comfy on the couch, turned on the laptop mic, and began my test. Due to the high volume of applicants (ie, thousands of people needing dough), you have to do a test run first to see if you’re a suitable applicant. You simply go to the assigned website and complete specific tasks, all the while voicing your thoughts for all to hear.

And while being recorded. Did I forget to mention that?

And I’m thinking, “How hard can this be?” I love to talk! I mean, I have a blog! C’mon!

So, the website I got assigned is Airbnb.com, and I’m supposed to pretend that the hubs and I are taking a trip to San Francisco, California for 1 night. I just have to navigate the site and complete my tasks. The recording begins.

At this point I start getting nervous. Stage fright, really. Maybe you don’t believe me, but really! Suddenly, I’m being recorded and all those random, ADHD-type thoughts that I vomit out all day long without a second-thought (or first-thought) are gone. I’m speechless. I’m staring at the screen blankly with what must surely be test anxiety because I kind of lose the ability to read and hold my bladder.

I might be exaggerating on the bladder function part.

I’ve never had test anxiety before, but I’m certain I have a terminal case now. The timer is steadily ticking like a bomb. Thanks, timer. No pressure, right?

I force myself back to the task at hand: pick a hotel. This should be easy! There are tons of beautiful locations to stay. I navigate the website while trying to vocalize my thoughts in a clear and “relaxed” voice. I’m talking to myself. And recording it. I try not to feel like an utter weirdo.

An utter weirdo desperate for cash at 11 pm.

I start getting frustrated that the locations pictured only show interior rooms, and not the outside of the hotel. In fact, many of them say apartments. But I finally select my faux vacation home and finish my tasks. Usertesting asks me to answer some written questions. I don’t really know the answers to these since I was so nervous about completing my tasks while being recorded that I basically lost all functions of my brain. It is all a blur.

Finally, the test is done! I submit my video, close the window, and relax. And it is in that moment when my neurons start firing again that I realize what “bnb” stands for.

Bed. And. Breakfast.

Oh. My. Gosh. I am an idiot! There I was complaining about not knowing what hotel was what and not seeing the picture of the exterior when I was supposed to be booking a BED AND BREAKFAST THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME! And why on Earth wasn’t I tipped off by the words “apartment” or “rental house”??? I am a sad, sad person.

This girl is going to bed now.

Life Lessons by Holly

The following are life lessons experienced by me or my friends and family. I hope you find them valuable. 😉

1) Do not put metal in the microwave. Sparks! SPARKS EVERYWHERE!

2) Do not heat eggs in the microwave–even boiled ones. They will most definitely explode–even if they wait for you to get 10 steps from the microwave before they do it.

3) Do not use wax paper in place of the parchment paper then put it in the oven. Does anyone smell a candle burning? Who lit a candle?

4) Speaking of candles, you can’t light one by putting it in the microwave. Or actually, you kind of can if the sparks from the metal piece in the bottom light the wick. Who knew?!

5) Do not drive a lawn mower over a snake unless you like the feel of wet bologna all over you.

6) Do not put oven mitts in the snow and then grab a cookie sheet. Snow will go from freezing to boiling in 2.518495 seconds… roughly. And you will probably drop your cookies. 😦 Poor, poor cookies.

7) One should be careful with the application of Gold Bond (especially when applying it near the more sensitive parts of the body). Incorrect application may result in a voice two octaves higher than normal.

8) Lastly, when the stomach bug hits, never trust a fart.